It’s been more than four years since I lost my second set of parents.
And I finally feel ready to share the details behind why that happened and how it’s gone on to affect the rest of my life.
I’ve discussed many elements of my personal life over the years. That’s because I’ve never wanted to be strictly a personal finance blogger, stock analyst, or anything of the sort.
I first started blogging because I wanted to document a regular guy’s journey to financial independence and early retirement via frugality and investing in high-quality dividend growth stocks.
I couldn’t find anyone writing about some of the things I wanted to read about, which is why I kind of took up that mantle myself back in early 2011.
But the journey to, and through, FIRE is about a lot more than money. In fact, money is actually a rather small piece of the puzzle. And the longer you go, the smaller it becomes.
Money is important. No doubt about it. We all need to put a roof over our head and food in our stomach. But once you get the basics under control, more money becomes largely superfluous.
Simply put, navigating life requires way more than just navigating money. And the plot we all chart should end up being equally challenging and rewarding.
I’ve perhaps faced more challenges than rewards over the course of my life thus far, but I’m looking forward to evening the equation out moving forward. Indeed, I feel like that ship has been righting itself of late, which has been honestly a bit jarring. I’m just so used to facing extremely difficult challenges, that life on “easy mode” seems weird.
I’m Not Completely Emotionless
Getting back to some of those difficult challenges, the most difficult of them all occurred during late 2014. And it led to the permanent separation between me and my adoptive parents – my biological aunt and her husband. Although I didn’t suffer the most (nor will I claim I did) throughout what led to this, the realization of who these people really were hurt me more than I can ever convey.
I sometimes come across as machine-like in real life. I’m not a very emotional person in general. I prize logic, pragmatism, stoicism, and rationality. My thought processes are very tactical, at all times. Whenever I’m faced with a decision, I approach it in the most rational and advantageous way I can. If there were a fictional character that I’m most like, it’s Spock from Star Trek.
My personality has been a boon as a long-term investor. Emotions get investors (and all people) in trouble. I don’t really have that problem, for better or worse. And so stock market fluctuations truthfully just don’t bother me. I usually see short-term volatility as a long-term opportunity. Nothing more. Nothing less.
However, I do have emotions. I’m not a robot.
And I guess that’s why it’s taken me quite a while to digest the information related to my adoptive parents, which came as the biggest shock of my life. I see myself as a pretty good judge of character, but I was totally blindsided by what I found out in the fall of 2014.
Reconnecting With My Family
To retrace some history, I quit my job at a luxury car dealership in Sarasota, Florida in May 2014.
I put in my two-week’s notice, but I ended up leaving a few days earlier than planned. My employment there was immediately severed by yours truly mid-morning the day after my 32nd birthday because one of my fellow co-workers saw fit to steal some of my remaining repair orders. As he put it, I was “rich and didn’t need the money.” Adios, jobby job!
My original goal all along, as it pertains to FIRE, was to become financially independent and retire by the time I was 40 years old. I conceived the original path to FIRE just before turning 28 years old. So it was designed as a ~12-year journey, which I thought I could successfully execute.
But I became impatient.
I didn’t like my job at all. And I felt like, in some ways, my job was maybe holding me back a little bit from giving more to my online ventures and seeing what I was capable of. I also wanted to start enjoying my life more in the present moment.
The whole point of FIRE, to me, is to live life on my terms. It was my dream to do what I want, when I want, where I want, why I want, with whom I want. I saw the ownership of time as far more worthy than the ownership of any luxury good (or even more money itself). I didn’t want to wait until 40 for this. Tomorrow is not guaranteed. Life is meant to be lived.
Furthermore, this impatience was coinciding with some guilt I was feeling about how I moved far away from my family in order to pursue some of my dreams, which was further coinciding with growing differences between my significant other (at the time) and I.
So there were multiple life changes coalescing.
I moved from Florida to Michigan in May 2014 to start a new chapter in my life, spend more time with my family, and aggressively allocate resources toward creating the life I always wanted.
It was great. At first. That first month or so back in Michigan was total bliss.
My family and I were retelling old stories, marveling at where we currently were, teasing each other, having lots of laughs, and sharing some of our goals moving forward.
But the dream quickly turned into a nightmare.
Resentment And Losing My Sisters
Some of my family started to resent me for my relative success, which was exacerbated when they found out that I wouldn’t be some kind of benefactor to them.
I had thought, before I moved back, that most of my family was keenly aware of where I was financially and what it took for me to get there. But our disconnect (partially because I lived so far away prior to coming back) became evident pretty quickly, for they started to look at me as some kind of lottery winner who had a responsibility to “share the wealth” with everyone else. A lot of people just don’t understand FIRE, what it takes to get there, or how to responsibly manage money. To them, I was a bank.
This was, to say the least, disappointing.
Ironically, I moved back to Michigan to spend more time with the very people who resented me for having the time to spend with them. They resented who I had become since I moved away. I wanted to spend time with them. They would rather me spend money.
Looking back on it, I can see how things went wrong. They saw all of this available time I had. And I suppose they felt like it was being boastfully shoved in their face while they toiled away at their jobs. I can see how that made them feel somehow disrespected. Their response to it, though, was what really made me sad. Instead of taking me up on my offer to educate them, they preferred that I just hand over money. I disagreed with that idea.
As a result, I made the difficult but necessary choice to eliminate my two youngest sisters (the ones who pressed me on the financials) from my life.
Losing My First Set Of Parents
That was a tough call. And it was made all the tougher by the fact that I didn’t have much family left.
My father left when I was eight years old.
Growing up as the only white boy in a Detroit ghetto is tough. Lacking any kind of male role model and/or protector makes things even more difficult.
Then my drug-addled mother slid off the deep end. She was already in a bad state, which surely had something to do with my father leaving in the first place.
But she became much worse after my dad suddenly ducked out on us one day.
Her addictions started to take over her whole life. She’d disappear for weeks at a time on drug-fueled benders. I’d wake up sometimes to see her sprawled out on the living room floor, totally bombed out of her mind. This after I hadn’t seen her for a few weeks. It became clear that she couldn’t take care of herself, let alone three children.
My aunt – her sister – stepped in and pressured her to give us children up so that we could have a better life. The state was starting to investigate my mother, and all of this led to my mom begrudgingly (she wanted to keep us because of the welfare money) giving up control of her four kids (me and my three younger sisters) to my aunt and uncle.
Gaining Family And A Superhero
So they became our legal guardians, brought us into their home (which was located about an hour west of Detroit), and started to raise us as their own.
I always – always – saw them as more than my legal guardians. I saw them as my guardian angels. For me, I was convinced that they saved my life. It’s hard to say if we would have survived Detroit otherwise. I was 11 when they adopted me. And things were becoming very tough in our stretch of town.
I wrote my dad off as soon as he left.
And my mom was really nothing more to me than a person who gave birth to me. I had no feelings toward her. I wished her no ill will. At the same time, though, I had no love for her.
Maybe that’s why it’s been relatively easy for me to write about the elements of my life that were shaped by her, including her decision to kill herself around the time of my 21st birthday.
I’ve since slightly softened my stance regarding my mother. Time tends to heal wounds. But she was in all honesty a terrible person who had no business having children. And being the type of person I am, I don’t let emotion or nostalgia cloud that.
What happened as a young child, however, is that all of the love I could have ever had for my mom, I poured into my aunt. I looked at her as my mother.
Actually, it was more than that. I poured all of the love that I ever could have had for two parents into her. And then some, because I saw her as this angel that came in and rescued me from death.
She was my superhero. A real-life Wonder Woman.
I remember being tasked to write about a hero in middle school. I wrote about my aunt.
For further perspective on what this person meant to me, I actually have a very large tattoo on my back. It’s not something I’ve mentioned before (I’m not proud of it now), but I had it installed there, around 22 years old, in honor of my aunt. That’s how strongly I admired her.
Even while I lived in Florida, I would talk to her often. Maybe every 2-3 days. We would call each other and talk for hours. Like old pals. She was more than a mom or an aunt to me. She was like a best friend.
Undoubtedly, it was my strong relationship with her that partly prompted me to move back to Michigan in 2014. Now, I ultimately captained that ship. I made that decision. But I felt a sense of guilt about being so far away from someone who, in my mind, saved my life.
Losing my two younger sisters to resentment was one thing. It was tough, but I faced it down and made the most rational decision I could have made at the time.
However, I wasn’t prepared to also lose my adoptive parents. Yet that’s exactly what happened shortly after this.
Losing My Second Set Of Parents
So I wrote about the resentment I faced. It’s nothing terribly shocking. I’m certainly not the first one to run into something like that when they become successful relative to other people in their lives.
But the other aspect of what happened in my move back to Michigan was extremely surprising and disturbing.
Just before I left Michigan for Florida, which was something I felt I had to do after seeing the nightmare of living up there unfold, things with my family started to become… weird.
My uncle (my aunt’s husband) suddenly stopped attending family events. If everyone would get together for dinner or something, he would mysteriously not be there. Simultaneously, unexplained friction swiftly started to develop between my aunt and my sisters.
I wasn’t sure of what was happening. Nobody was cluing me in. But I could tell that something was very wrong.
Before all of this drama started to pop up, however, I had already made the decision to move back to Florida. The whole episode of trying to come back to Michigan was obviously a failure. And I thought the best thing to do about it was to admit that I no longer had a place in that world, which would free me up to getting back to some of my personal dreams and goals.
Within days of returning back to Florida, I found out what was really going on.
My oldest sister called me and relayed a long-gestating secret that shocked, sickened, and disappointed me.
She accused my uncle of sexually abusing her for many years throughout her childhood. Making matters worse, she stated that our aunt knew about it and did nothing to stop it for the entire time. In fact, she went on to tell me that our aunt forced her to lie about it by threatening her with the idea that us four children would all be forced into separate homes if my sister told people about this.
World. Upside down.
What do I say?
I’m speechless when I hear something like this. I almost can’t believe it.
I don’t want to doubt what my sister is telling me, which is now clearing up the weirdness that was occurring during my last few weeks in Michigan. At the same time, I can’t suddenly just accept at the drop of a hat that my hero could be guilty of something so heinous.
But the longer my sister talked (which was quite a while), the more I started to realize that my aunt and uncle were committing unspeakable acts for years on end.
I apologized profusely for not doing anything for all of those years, but I never acted or stepped in because I never knew about it. I never witnessed anything. Nobody ever told me that something like this had been occurring.
My uncle was (and probably still is) a very heavy drinker. In my opinion, he’s a functional alcoholic. And he would sometimes act, well, inappropriately. But there’s a hell of a gap between being that uncle and a sexual predator. I mean, she’s basically saying he’s a pedophile and a rapist.
I did speak up about some of his inappropriateness years prior. And he agreed to drink less and seek professional help. But I was already grown up and out of the house when this happened, so there was little I could do or monitor. Moreover, like I said, I had never thought for even a second he was sexually abusing anyone.
My sister went on to say that the birth of my other sister’s daughter (my niece) prompted the three girls to get together and finally stand up for the safety of this newborn child.
My sister then advised me that all of this was swept under the rug for so long because she wanted to keep the family unit intact. She was desperate for some sort of “normal” family, even if it was based on a lie. My sister was convinced by our aunt that the family would be broken apart if the authorities became involved.
But the three girls decided that this could no longer stand in the wake of a newborn baby coming into the family. Her innocence was to be protected at all costs. They were afraid that my uncle might attempt to molest my niece when she was older, so they decided to nip that in the bud right away. It was easier to speak up now that everyone was older and there was no danger of us siblings being flung apart.
The sisters convened, contacted our aunt, and told her that they didn’t want any more contact with her husband… for the rest of their lives.
They also decided to have different sets of rules regarding contact with her.
My oldest sister took the hardest stance on it and decided to never talk to her again.
The other girls still wanted her in their lives. (In my opinion, from what I’ve been told, this is for economic purposes. My aunt feels guilty about what she allowed to happen, and so she helps the younger girls out, financially. Based on the resentment they felt toward me when I refused to pay more than my fair share, this makes sense to me.)
Shock
Being told all of this, over the phone, is beyond anything I can really put into words. My heart was breaking into tiny pieces by the second. Everything I knew about my family was being destroyed right in front of my eyes, yet all of it pales in comparison to the pain my oldest sister dealt with over the course of decades.
We all had a tough childhood. I’ve been open and honest about both the pros and cons of growing up the way I did. It sucks to grow up on welfare, without parents, in a crack house in Detroit. I’ve had many dark days in my life where the light was hard to see. But I didn’t have to deal with any kind of sexual abuse. Ever.
My sister forwarded me some emails between her and my aunt that further indicated guilt on the part of my adoptive parents. More shock set in.
Shortly after my sister and I ended our phone call, I composed myself and contacted my aunt about this.
She neither confirmed nor denied it in an unapologetic manner.
That was the last time I’ve ever had any contact with her. This was late 2014.
I don’t have any kind of comparison to this type of event coming to pass in one’s life. And I cannot accurately portray in words how I felt when this happened. It was utter disbelief. As if an alternate reality had suddenly set in.
When I told a very select group of people in my life about what happened (for they’d eventually wonder why my family was completely gone), they were as shocked as I was. They thought of my aunt as some kind of angel. It didn’t compute.
I had to accept the reality of the situation. And that’s what I did.
There was the myth of who my aunt was. And then there was the truth. I choose to deal with the truth, completely banish my aunt and uncle from my life, and rebuild my life moving forward (without the family I grew up with).
It’s incredibly unfortunate. But it’s life. There are terrible people out there. And sometimes we don’t know how terrible the people close to us really are. We don’t always know people as well as we think we do.
This realization has forced me to re-calibrate the way I judge character. And I trust much less than I used to, which has led to a smaller circle of people in my life. I now count on and trust a very small number of people. All of which I can count on one hand.
It’s sad that it’s come to this, but I’ve simply reacted to the reality I’ve been presented with and dealt with it in the most rational way possible. I could never choose to ignore this, or forgive it, just because I desire a family. I won’t base my reality on lies.
Why I’m Sharing This
I haven’t publicly talked or written about any of this before because I didn’t feel ready. Furthermore, I wasn’t sure if it was relevant to the rest of my writing.
But it is relevant.
FIRE is about becoming happier, freer, and better versions of ourselves.
Thus, FIRE is, at its core, really about life.
All of us chasing after FIRE are on individual journeys toward our eventual selves. Those roads will have bumps. And I think it’s important to be open and honest about those bumps so that we can improve and move forward if we want to realize our full potential and become everything we want to be. It’s imperative that we don’t ignore these bumps or pretend that they didn’t happen.
We face challenges, overcome them, and grow. This is how we improve and move forward.
I also share this to give further perspective on my decision to move abroad and retire early in Thailand, which has led to an unprecedented period of growth and happiness in my life. I’ve prospered over here in a way that I’ve never experienced before.
I’m living a dream. It’s been absolutely incredible.
But the decision to move abroad in the first place was surely impacted in some way by the overall negative experience I had growing up and living in the US, which can be traced back to everything that’s happened with my family. My life was almost completely one long struggle over there. I’ve thought about moving away from the US for a while. But it’s an idea that only gained traction the longer I went on in the States.
Maybe if I would have had a better family, a job I enjoyed, and a far more pleasant life in general, living in the US wouldn’t have been so bad. But I can only recognize and reflect on what’s actually happened. Hypothetical situations don’t have any actionable value for me.
Meanwhile, living in Thailand has been great. 2018, which was my first full calendar year of living abroad, has been far and away the best year of my entire life. Truly. I finally feel like so many dark days are behind me. I never ran away from anything, though. Honestly, there was nothing left to run from. Instead, I felt pulled toward this life in Thailand. Thailand has been calling to me for a long time now. It’s only recently that I started listening and acting on that.
That said, it’s notable that my ability to flourish abroad is impacted, and arguably even aided, by the fact that I don’t have a family to keep in touch with back in the States. I don’t have anybody to “miss”. There’s nothing pulling me back. I don’t have that sense of gravity that weighs on other people who move/live abroad. If anything, the US repels me.
Even with all that’s happened to me, however, I’m still incredibly glad and lucky that I was born and able to grow up in the United States. It’s an incredible country full of immense opportunity. I’d rather be me and go through all that I went through in 1980s Detroit than be born in, say, 1600s Mumbai. Or even 1980s Mumbai, for that matter. The US largely allowed me to build this amazing lifestyle for myself. I’m forever indebted to America.
I also wanted to share this to help others out there who are going through their own tough times. I want you to know that there’s light at the end of the tunnel. You simply have to keep moving forward in life. Don’t let anything keep you down or stop you.
I’ve carved out an unbelievable life for myself. But that was only possible because I overcame every challenge that came my way, and I continue to do so. It’s all made me stronger and more appreciative of what I have. Challenges can be a tremendous gift in that sense.
Lastly, I hope this gives some courage and strength to anyone out there who’s suffering from abuse. I feel terrible that my sister felt powerless to stop this. Don’t let anyone ever abuse you in any way, shape, or form.
Conclusion
It feels good to finally get this fully off my chest. Writing is therapeutic. Although I’ve since moved on from the tragedy that is my family, and although I’m not an emotional person, there’s surely a piece of all of this that still lurks inside of me. It’s like a scar. The wounds might heal. But it leaves its mark. I have to logically accept my humanity.
Being almost completely alone in this world, in the sense that I no longer have any kind of familial support system, would seem difficult and strange to outsiders. It’s definitely unfortunate. I will say that.
But it’s also freeing in a way. I’m free to go about my life without being tied down to any legacy relationships. Nobody to worry about or miss me. And I don’t have anyone to worry about or miss.
I have a real autonomy that most people lack. The reasoning for that autonomy is sad. No doubt about that.
But the eternal optimist in me looks at this autonomy as a unique opportunity. And I’ve done my best to take advantage of it.
Losing one set of parents at a young age was tough. But losing two sets of parents, before turning 33 years old, is beyond words. Especially when I “doubled down” on that second set.
However, I also acknowledge that many people in this world have faced and overcome much bigger challenges than me. This is pretty small potatoes, in the grand scheme of things. And it’s not like I’m the one who was sexually abused. I can’t tell you how sorry I was (and still am) for my oldest sister. That’s something I’ve communicated to her numerous times.
Furthermore, I’m otherwise happy and healthy. Extremely so, actually. I feel very fortunate and grateful for my position in life.
I know, deep down inside, you can’t have a rainbow without the rain.
Well, the skies have finally cleared for me after a years-long torrential downpour. And I’m enjoying one hell of a rainbow.
Have you ever lost parents? Ever dealt with something similar to this? Did this piece provide some perspective regarding my life abroad?
Thanks for reading.
Image courtesy of: Stuart Miles at FreeDigitalPhotos.net.
P.S. If you’re aiming for FIRE, check out some fantastic tools that I personally used on my way to becoming financially free at 33!
Wow what a powerful story. Thank you so much for sharing Jason. I am currently going through something similar (not the same). I am attending my uncles funeral tomorrow and it will be a somber day for all. He was a great man but he hoarded his money and was a scrooge. It’s fine to make your money work fro you, but when family need help (cancer) he said he can’t help at all. Sometimes, money takes greater precedent over family values. I will never be like this.
BHL,
Terribly sorry to hear about your uncle. My condolences.
I hear you on money changing people. I certainly experienced how it changed the perspective of some of my family members. I always try to see the bright side of everything, however. The level of autonomy I now have (after losing my family) is extremely rare. Doing what I can to take advantage of that.
Best regards.
Thank you so much for sharing, what a courageous and helpful thing to do – as you said for yourself and hopefully others currently facing adversity. Enjoy the beauty of the rainbow.
Emma,
Appreciate the support! 🙂
I’m enjoying the rainbow very much these days. I’m not sure if I’d be so appreciative of everything I now have if I hadn’t faced so much adversity. Gotta always look at the bright side.
Best wishes.
Jason,
It takes incredible courage to share what you just did. I am thankful that you chose to share it not only to get it off your chest but also to encourage others going through similar situations.
That’s one thing I have admired about you. You look at FIRE as a wholistic approach to life and not just money. When you share the “why” behind every decision you make, it makes the decision that much more powerful and provides important context.
I have been following you on social media for the past couple years and you have changed the way I look at investments. However, I am more proud of your strength to experience what you have and to come out on the other side stronger, focused, and more importantly, happy.
Keep up the good work and maybe someday our paths cross.
Sanjeev Bhatia
West Palm Beach, FL
Sanjeev,
Thank you very much for writing that. I’m glad that you understand and appreciate what I’ve been writing about for all of these years. It really is a very holistic, high-level approach. I view FIRE as simply one (important) aspect of a wonderful, free, authentic, happy, fleshed-out life. And money is simply one (important) aspect of FIRE. There are multiple layers. And you build on them. It’s really fun to build all of that out, in my opinion.
I’ve always viewed Buffett like this. He was asked not too long ago about how he’d like to be remembered after he dies. His answer? He wanted to be remembered as a teacher. He’s a great teacher and philosopher. And a very fine human being. The investing stuff is just one (important) aspect of his life and who he is, however. It’s always unfortunate when people focus in on that and miss the rest of it. But I suppose that’s just how society is, for the most part.
This story is part of a greater mission of mine to help and inspire others out there. I hope I, too, can one day be remembered as a bit of a teacher in my own right. 🙂
Cheers!
Thank you for sharing. Powerful history, well written. Cheers
Slappy,
I’m happy to write it and finally completely move forward. I can only hope it helped and inspired a few people out there.
Cheers.
How’s your relationship with your oldest sister now? I hope at least you have that, especially if she has kids. I’m not an emotional person either and my mother often tells me I’m too distant (I don’t need as much contact as most of the people), but having people in your life you’ve known forever is nice…
Free,
I’m with you all the way. I’m not emotional, but I do find immense value in love:
https://www.mrfreeat33.com/the-three-most-important-things-in-life-cannot-be-bought-or-can-they/
Unfortunately, I don’t have much of a relationship with my oldest sister. I last saw her for my birthday back in 2017. She was pretty vocal about how disappointed she was that I didn’t forgive my youngest sisters for what happened in 2014. She thought that wrong of me. I disagreed. I mean, I do understand where she’s coming from. It’s one of those things that doesn’t really have a “right” or “wrong” answer in terms of what someone’s willing to forgive. It’s an individual call. I can only say that I personally didn’t find it forgivable. Plus, she didn’t experience what I did (because she’s also on their level). We’ve drifted apart since that visit. I respected her decision to disagree with me. But I don’t she respected my decision to hold firm. Like I noted above, I’ve made the most of it all.
Best regards.
Thank you for sharing. Your story is very sad, if it can be comforting I think you have a very large virtual family that loves you. Anyway my hero, greetings from Italy
Claudio,
Being able to reach and inspire so many people through my writing is just one of the many ways in which I’m blessed. I might not have been blessed with a wonderful family, but I’ve been blessed in so many other ways. And I’m grateful for all of it. 🙂
Cheers!
I’m sorry to hear what happened. Hopefully, your sisters can move forward and make better lives for themselves and family. Maybe someday you can reconcile with them or at least keep in long distance contact. Best wishes.
Joe,
Thanks, man!
I try to see challenges for the gifts they are. I’m unbelievably resilient now, largely because I’ve already overcome so much. There’s not much more you can throw at me. And being over here in Thailand, which I truly enjoy, is so much easier without a lot of loved ones weighing on my mind. I don’t think it’d be nearly as easy to be an expat otherwise.
Thanks for dropping by!
Best wishes.
Thank you for sharing Jason. I have been following your blog for a couple of years now and that is the most profound article I’ve read. It really struck a chord in me as I can relate to some of them. I am glad that you made the choice to put yourself first and to do what you believe is the right thing for you. I loved the vulnerability you showed us here, it really helps connect with your audience. Whatever the future holds for you, your not alone in this world.
pokeutopia,
Appreciate that very much. It’s not always easy to open up like this, even for someone like me.
But I felt that it was time to share this. I’ve fully processed it and moved past it. And I thought this could really help and inspire others out there, which is my mission with my writing.
Fortunately, my life is so great these days, all of this almost seems like a memory from a past life. It broke my heart when it happened. In a million pieces. I cannot fully describe all of the affection and admiration I had for my aunt. But I accepted the reality of the situation and kept moving forward, toward the dream life I set out to create. I’m happily there now. And I’m extra grateful for it all, in part because of the long and hard road I had to take to get here.
Best regards!
Hey Jason,
You are my personal hero. I started my own fund couple of years ago that this now up to $24k with 100 plus positions because of you. I just put extra money as I go. I hardly sells anything and I plan on not selling ever. I am by any means pool, but I will ultimately have everything in the stocks. You are a great to me.
Funny stiry. Few days, I even was talking to someone that I will need their business assistance and they were in Chang Mai for vacation, so I right away mentioned that I heard a lot about it from someone that I know (that person is you). So, we had a nice conversation about all positive things out there.
Karl,
Hey, that means a lot to me. I’m just a regular guy who’s faced a lot of adversity and come through it all to build out my dream life. So I feel like if I can do it, anyone can. And I really try my best to convey that with the writing and inspire others to make their dreams come true. In fact, being able to reach and help others in this capacity is part of that dream for me. So thank you. 🙂
Chiang Mai is pretty wonderful. There’s not much to dislike about the place. I feel very lucky to be here. If you ever come to the city, make sure to drop me a line.
Best wishes.
Thank you so much for sharing this story as I can’t possibly imagine how difficult it was to hear and react to at that time, yet alone write down for the whole internet to read. I’m really sorry to read what happened to everyone involved.
As I was reading I kind of had a mini-epiphany about your overall life philosophy, even though I don’t think you meant it intentionally. Above you said, “…I actually have a very large tattoo on my back. It’s not something I’ve mentioned before…”. I kept thinking about this and thought…he’s right. When you share photos of yourself, it seems you’re always facing forward. Never from behind or from the side…always forward…always looking ahead. I just thought that if this isn’t Jason’s mentality in a nutshell I don’t know what is. It’s something you could probably teach a master class on (or maybe write a 3rd book on? Haha!). You have this incredible outlook on life no matter what happens, and it’s something that I continue to learn from.
In any case, I am glad that you have found peace in Thailand, and wish you continued happiness (and growing dividends) 🙂
Danny,
That’s pretty interesting. I never thought of it that way, but I guess you’re right. I would hope, at the very least, my boundless optimism comes through in the pictures. 🙂
Even though my life up until just a few years ago has been really crazy, it’s actually a small part of my content. That’s probably because I honestly don’t like to go back and rehash all this stuff in the past. I’m always moving forward and looking ahead. I’m very excited about what’s next. But I thought this story, in particular, was important to share for a number of reasons. I think it fills in some holes in my life story. And it adds a lot of context to my ability to thrive abroad.
Wishing you and yours continued happiness and growing dividends, too!
Cheers.
Wow, that’s pretty messed up but incredible at the same breath. I’ve followed your blog from many years back and did wonder why you did not settle back in the midwest during that stretch of time. Now I know and it makes sense sad as it may be.
I’ve watched my 81 yr old mum battle with dimentia this past year and I’ve come to realize that all we are is our memory. Celebrate the good, forget the bad and strive to create better ones going forward. Stay healthy, wealthy and happy and keep blogging that way !
Shun,
It’s a bummer. I never in a million years would have thought I’d be going back to Michigan to face all of that. Quite unbelievable, really. But I’ve taken the good pieces of it all and made the most of them. I now have a level of autonomy that very few people will ever experience, which certainly goes a long way toward thriving abroad. The lifestyle I have over here right now is incredible. I’m very grateful for that.
Sorry to hear about your mom. Dementia is brutal. That’s unfortunate. I hope she’s living as well as she can right now, all considered. Situations like that give my relatively meager struggles perspective. I’m blessed in the sense that I have good physical and mental health.
Best regards.
Thank you so much for sharing, and in a way I can relate… it’s amazing how people sometimes turn out to be something totally different than you thought. Years ago, and for years, I thought I was good friends with this guy I hung out with and had a great time. Well, eventually I found out he all he did was lie and deceive me. I don’t want to be too specific, but a lot of money was involved… yeah, hard to believe how careless and naive I was acting back then.
The good thing was that losing my money inspired me remarkably to start my journey as an investor. I’ve got all my money back and way beyond 🙂
Mika,
Hey, that’s great that you turned that all around. I think that’s what it’s about. Challenges can be a gift in that way, as long as you don’t adopt some kind of victim mentality. You brush off the dirt, learn from it, move forward, and grow stronger. Almost every really terrible thing that’s happened to me can be directly attributed to some amazing part of my life today. I can practically draw a line between a past challenge and a current reward. It might take a while for things to turn – it’s probably going to take a very long while – but I suppose that just makes it all the sweeter when you finally do approach that light at the end of the tunnel.
Thanks for sharing that!
Best wishes.
Thanks for sharing. I contemplate spelling my story all out too, but not yet. Family is both a blessing and a curse, but it you don’t go through everything you go through you wouldn’t be who you are right? Buy you a beer someday and reminisce about our screwed up childhoods.
Othala,
It’s my pleasure to share. I knew that the right time to talk about this would eventually come. And it finally felt right just recently. I wrote this whole article in one sitting. It just kind of all came out of me. I thought I’d be really sad writing about it. But I felt relieved. I felt at peace.
Sorry to hear that you went through a tough time, too. I don’t wish this upon anyone. But you are right in that it makes us who we are. I’m very happy with where my life is now. Wouldn’t trade it for the world. I see the bright side. 🙂
Cheers.
Man, that’s a rough story. Just talking about the envy part of it (re your little sisters and wanting some of your money), I’ve noticed through the years that their are two broad swaths of people: those who ask others for “a loan”, and those (like me) who would rather go homeless before they’d ask anybody for money. I know for me, it’s a matter of personal pride and doing what I feel is right (or not doing what I feel is wrong). I have also noticed that anybody that asks to borrow money, will never pay it back. On the contrary, when you eventually ask them to pay you back, they will act offended. As if you are bothering them. I don’t pretend to understand this kind of mindset. My former friend asked for “a loan” of $1,700 about 8 years ago, and never paid it back. Got offended when I asked for the money back. We stopped talking to each other for years. I was angry for many years, then about a year ago I decided to just let it go. I forgave him. I will never ever loan him money again, but I decided to forgive. Ironically, I just had dinner with him and his wife about a month ago. I didn’t mention the loan (I had decided never to mention it again), and of course they didn’t either. But I thought it kind of amusing that they showed up to the restaurant in a brand new 2019 jeep that they had just bought. We had a good time reconnecting in the restaurant. When the bill came, I reached for it, but my friend grabbed it, and refused to let me contribute anything to the bill. He insisted on paying himself. Later that night, I reflected to myself that I had just had a $1,700 meal, basically. It kind of made me laugh. I guess my point is, it took me 9 years to forgive, so maybe you will forgive too, eventually. And sometimes it helps to have a sense of humor about the whole thing. Forgiving them did give me more of a sense of inner peace that I was lacking.
Tim,
Hey, I’m glad things came full circle for you over there. That was an expensive meal, but it sounds like you’re at peace with where things came out. 🙂
My situation was quite a bit different from what you’re talking about. Nobody had asked me to loan them money (although I would have known right away it wasn’t a “loan” anyway). I’ve talked quite a bit about their expectations, my family’s crab mentality, what happened, and how it all shook out, so I won’t get back into that. I guess it just comes down to an individual’s level of tolerance and what they find forgivable. There’s no “right” or “wrong” call with a lot of things in life. It’s a big gray area.
If I felt like my life, overall, would have been better off with my youngest sisters in it, I would have done whatever I could to move past the way they were treating me. Unfortunately, I felt like my life would be better if I let them go, even though that was the more difficult road to take at the time. Looking at where things are now, I feel at peace with that choice.
Cheers!
I was kind of curious why you hadn’t mentioned about your uncle and aunt for a long time. Sexually abused kids usually don’t turn out fine, but obviously, your sister has a strong character just like you have that must runs in the family. I do like “you can’t have a rainbow without the rain,” how true, right? This time, you brought tears to my eyes.
YF,
Yeah, I thought it was time to tell the whole story and fill in some gaps on what happened in 2014. It took me a few years to get comfortable with the idea of writing this and putting it out there for the world to see, but I feel really good now that it’s done.
I did my best to end this on a high note, because I honestly do feel like I’m living a dream. I’m very happy these days. This was a very sad period of my life. And there’s a permanence here. I’ll never, ever again have this family I once knew and loved. That’s incredibly unfortunate. But I guess I just feel like the harder and longer that rain comes down, the more brightly the rainbow will shine when it finally does appear. 🙂
Best regards!
Your Aunt and Uncle sound like 2 of my relatives. Its hard to find out that the people celebrated my birthdays were actually horrible monsters that abused my other relatives. Relatives I cared about. So I have an idea how you felt. I only have an idea because your situation was more intense. America doesn’t have a monopoly on pedophiles and rapists. They are everywhere.
I’m glad you escaped your hell and are thriving today. Many people (including me) are living better lives for reading your words of wisdom/
Fred,
I don’t wish what I experienced upon anyone, so I’m really sorry that you had to go through something similar. That said, it does make us stronger. And I believe I’m much more appreciative of what I have today because of the challenges that I had to face in order to get here. I mean, they certainly could have been different challenges. Shouldn’t have involved abuse like this. But I can only deal with the reality of the situation and make the most rational choice I can.
Appreciate the support. I do my best to inspire others by being the type of role model I’d like to see in this world. I’m not perfect. Far from it. But I’ve gone through a personal hell and back to build a hell of a dream life. And I try to make the world a slightly better place, in my own way. That should show others that there’s nothing holding them back from making their dreams come true. 🙂
Best wishes.
Jesus effing Christ, that’s a whopper of a story. I’m so sorry that you and your family had to deal with something so horrible. I have extended-family-by-marriage that is heavy on drug and alcohol abuse, failed rehabs, and people disappearing forever only to reappear to make huge scenes at funerals, but nothing involving sexual abuse (I hope. I keep finding out new things).
If anyone deserves the success and happiness you’re experiencing now, it’s you.
ARB,
Thanks, man. Appreciate that. I’ve worked incredibly hard to earn everything I now have. And I went through hell and back. I’m not sure if that necessarily makes me deserving, but I appreciate it so much. I doubt many people have more gratitude for life than I do.
Cheers.
My parents divorced when I was two years old and I was raised by a single mother who had custody and a rich father with visitation rights. My mother re-married when I was 8 years old, to someone who became like a second father to me. My mother went on to have a daughter who is my sister.
This is the story of a rich dad (my father) very frugal who was a coin dealer and my poor dad who always looked very rich, loved to show off, but was very broke under the surface. Funny enough my poor dad (my stepfather) always looked richer than my actual father (the frugal one).
My father committed suicide at age 18 due to cancer he had been fighting since I was 12 years old. At the point, I inherited a whole lot of money. Little did I know, that my step-father (who I loved like an actual father) was committing a Ponzi scheme and defrauding his friends to obtain money for a failing insurance business that my step-father was running into the ground. My step-father had many failed business ventures.
When my father died, I can remember my step-father’s face has he walked around and saw the safe and precious coins throughout the house. My step-father was able to con me into giving him $40,000 and then he repeatedly lied to me that the funds were delayed. They would be in the bank, but the bank was not open etc. One day, he told me the bank was closed and I told him that I found a location that was open for an hour. He deliberately ripped his sweatpants as he was getting out of the car, to avoid having to go into the bank to return my money (that he no longer had).
I refused to testify or press charges against my step-father, however, he ended up going to jail anyway in relation to the Ponzi scheme. While I stepped up to save the house my sister and mom were living in and provided money to my sister for college, there has always been an awkwardness between my sister and I relating to the inheritance I received and the fact that she did not receive an inheritance from her father. Money, unfortunately, can damage relationships if we let it. Sometimes, I think the idea of stealth-wealth is better when available to us as we often cannot know the motivations of people who wish to get closer to us.
I have been following you since the beginning of dividend mantra, although this is my first comment. I have been dividend investing since 2008, which allowed me to fully recover my inheritance even after the effects of inflation. My father had told me to only use FDIC insured CDs, but I think he would be proud of the outcome I have achieved in dividend stocks. Thank you for your guidance, I hope you are able to re-kindle your relationship with your family at some point in the future, although I must admit that it is difficult, after the experiences we suffer. However, in the end, true family is family. People themselves are imperfect and need to be allowed to have emotions that can change over time.
Mike,
Thanks for sharing that!
That’s a real shame. Sorry to hear about the issues with your step-father.
I think we all want to give the benefit of the doubt to our family, but being related to someone by blood doesn’t absolve them of wrongdoing. I would never forgive someone any easier or look the other way simply because I share blood with someone. I’m kind of the opposite in this way, in the sense that I actually hold the people in my life to a rather high standard. But my family members would have failed just about any standard, similar to your step-father.
Forgiveness is an individual call. For me, I’m quite at peace with my decision to move on without my family. I have no regrets about it. Frankly, I don’t even think of them very much anymore. It’s almost like all of this happened in a past life or something. My life these days is so far away – literally and figuratively – from where it was when this was all going down. Even if none of this had happened, however, I’m sure relationships would be strained because I’m so different from the rest of them. I enjoy being atypical, but it does limit relationship possibilities.
Glad to know it all turned out pretty great for you in terms of the finances. That must certainly ease things for you. Your desire to get that inheritance back mirrors my desire to get my (wasted) inheritance back. I remember being really proud when the Fund crossed over $60k, thinking I had finally earned back every wasted penny. Keep moving in the right direction!! 🙂
Best regards.
Jason,
Man- I’m so strong hear how much sadness and loneliness you have had in your early life. But as you and others have said I think it will be getting much better for you even above these amazing levels you have today.
You said you were searching for your own Charlie Munger. Well after reading about the very tough hardships he had in his life and how he overcame them to do such great things, I’d say you are more like Munger than Buffett who, while being an incredibly talented investor with a very suitable disposition, had many privileges growing up. So maybe you need to find your Buffett in a future partnership.
All the best to you out there in Chiang Mai.
-Mike
Mike,
Ha! Yeah, you’re probably right about that. I guess my background is more analogous to Munger, at least in terms of overcoming personal struggles. I wish I had more of that affable tact of Buffett (which is admirable), but I can actually be a bit more direct like Munger. Munger prizes rationality. So do I.
I’m very excited about the future. I always have been. Always will be. That’s really what kept me going – the thought that tomorrow would be better than today. And it keeps me going even now. I already have a rough idea of what I’ll be doing 10, 20, 30 years from now. And I’m looking forward to all of it. 🙂
Thanks for the kind words. Wish you and yours the best, too.
Best regards!
Thanks for sharing and being so open. You have put the “personal” into Personal Finance. Thank you for being an example of how to deal with tragedy in ways that don’t involve irrational actions that we will regret later. This blog is as useful as your other finance related writings. All the best on your continued growth and relationships.
David,
It’s my pleasure to share this. Personal finance is about a lot more than just dollars and cents. And FIRE is a lot more than just savings rates and investments. All of this is about life, which has its ups and downs. I do my best to openly share all of it, for better or worse. We all have challenges and problems. It’s important to face them head on, overcome them, learn, grow, and become better and happier. If there’s anything I can be an example of, I hope it’s that. 🙂
Cheers.
Followed you on and off since 2013 and Dividendmantra. Tragic story this post! I fear that family problems of all kind are more common than what we see from the outside. I like this quote: “you can meet someone tomorrow that care more about you than someone you have known all life”
Sorry for my english, the quote actually goes like this =)
“You can meet somebody tomorrow who has better intentions for you than someone you’ve known forever”
garpcap,
Yeah, I believe that. Being related to someone doesn’t automatically make them a wonderful person. We should all be judged on our individual merits, not who we know or who we’re related to.
Cheers!
Life sure can be a challange. My Mom left when I was young and didnt reappear till I was in my 30s and a successful engineer ( asking for money of course ) my wife left me with 3 sons and I remember the day she told the judge ” I dont care about the kids I want money “. Very sad ! My youngest son passed away at 29. My fiancee here in Florida got one of my houses ( long sad story )
We need to focus on positive aspects and move forward for a better future.
Im now remarried 8 years and very happy. Ive been free of the daily grind for 14 years and have enjoyed it all 🙂
Life truly is good 🙂
Bob,
Sorry to hear about those challenges over there. Never fun to deal with stuff like that.
But I’m with you all the way. We move forward and make the best of it all. Those challenges are real gifts, because they allow us to learn, grow, and become better. And that growth and perspective helps us become even more appreciative of what we go on to build for ourselves once we recover. I don’t think I’d be so grateful or resilient if my life hadn’t been so difficult thus far. I’m grateful to be grateful. 🙂
Best regards.
Rough stuff. Glad you kept the correct course through all of this. In 1 million possible simulations of your life you might be living the best possible one right now or at least in the top 1% of possibilities. I say this because things could have gone so wrong for you at so many different stages. You could have easily taken the wrong path or gotten sidetracked or countless other scenarios that usually befall people with rough beginnings. But you stayed a good course and now finally after 3.5 decades you’ve come through the storm.
Ronald,
I like the way you put that. Totally agree with the simulation idea. I think you’re right in that it’s hard to imagine many outcomes of my life that would have been better than where everything is currently at.
I actually run these mental “simulations” in my mind whenever I’m faced with a bit of a fork in the road. I like to take an idea and then try to run as many different realistic outcomes as I can in my head, taking paths to their logical conclusions. That allows me to kind of “discount” those outcomes back to the present day and make a go-forward decision based on what I think is likely to play out for as far as I can see. I did this before I decided to leave the US for Thailand. So far, so good. 🙂
I don’t think my life could be much better than it currently is, all considered. But it could be a hell of a lot worse.
Best wishes.
I have always been impressed how you have survived and thrived after such a difficult upbringing. You are a very resilient resourceful person. People are complicated and it’s an attractive idea to think of them as purely good or evil. Your aunt and uncle did a good thing taking care of you and your siblings when almost certainly you would have been split up. From what you say for years you had great admiration for your aunt and her selflessness. But they also did a heinous thing in abusing and allowing abuse of innocent children. Many many women end up being trapped with and without children in situations of abuse where they cannot see a viable way out. The US without an adequate social support structure means a women alone with 4 children may struggle financially. There are many reasons why women and mothers stay put in less than ideal situations. It makes it very difficult to have a relationship with people you feel have betrayed you. I totally get the idea of freedom you have from not having to deal with a complicated relationship. I see families,an absolute minority, where they cannot wait to see each other and I wish mine were like that. But remember very few people are perfect and disappointment is extremely common in families. It’s hard to acknowledge that some good did come from the relationship. My partner had a bad relationship with his Dad but now that he has passed we can talk about how he never beat him, he always stayed around and contributed financially and even appeared to care sometimes. It could have been worse. I understand how hard it is to forgive though and it is far easier to cut those people from your life.
Kwoz,
“It’s hard to acknowledge that some good did come from the relationship.”
I wouldn’t say that. My oldest sister and I actually talked about this a while back, wondering if we would have been better off if they had never adopted us. We both agreed that, even with the abuse, we almost certainly came out ahead. What they did, and what they allowed to happen, is not “offset” by them adopting us and taking us away from a very bad situation. You can’t make something like that whole again. However, being logical about it, I can’t imagine that staying in Detroit would have yielded better results for all four us of children. Of course, this is easy for me to say because I wasn’t the one being abused. But even my sister agreed on this. So that says a lot about how bad things were in Detroit.
There are a lot of gray areas in life. And a lot of gray people. My aunt and uncle aren’t pure evil. They did some truly wonderful things. And I’m grateful that they took us out of an untenable situation. But they also did some heinous things that are, in my opinion, unforgivable. I can’t let emotions or prior admiration cloud my judgment.
“I see families,an absolute minority, where they cannot wait to see each other and I wish mine were like that.”
Agreed on that. A good friend of mine and I were just talking about this last night. We were both laughing about how family tends to be this thing that is simultaneously loved and loathed for most people. He’s actually envious of me in the way that I don’t have a family. He feels a little bit beholden to his family, which are a group of people that he doesn’t feel particularly attached to any longer because his life has gone in such a different direction from theirs. He doesn’t have anything in common with these people. But there’s the bond that he respects, so he keeps up appearances.
Cheers!
My mother’s side of the family. 3 other siblings with the same father including brother “A”. Mother’s father died. 5 half siblings including sister “A” with father number 2. And then one sister with father 3. Father number 3 basically became the father of all other 9 kids and they acknowledged it by calling him “Dad”.
Sister “A” was dating the brother of brother “A” ‘s girlfriend. When Sister “A” was dumped, she demanded her brother reunite the failed relationship. So unsuccessful, she took revenge and decided to ruin his life. Sister “A” told her own entire family and her brother “A” employer (the military) that he molested his 2 youngest sisters growing up. The 2 young sisters called the military and said he did no such thing and the military believed this and he got to keep his job. On top of that brother “A” ‘s girlfriend dropped her phone when she heard this awful story (at about 2am) and drove immediately 7 hours to be with him and they got engaged shortly after words. Sounds like something on a Jerry Springer show. The funny thing about all this the entire family talked to this trouble sister to not upset their own mother (who never believed this story about one of her daughter’s).
This is only a small tidbit of what my mother’s side of the family is like.
I disowned my entire family on both my mother and father side. I decided piece of mind was more important to me above all else.
Sorry to hear what you went through. You are an inspiration to us all.
Anonymous,
Hey, man. That’s a bummer. Sorry to hear about that. We’d like to assume that our family is going to be great, and I think we’d all prefer to have a wonderful and loving family, but we have to accept reality. Family is made up of people. Sometimes people are great. Sometimes people aren’t great. Being related to someone doesn’t change who they are, for better or worse. It doesn’t absolve them of wrongdoing. One can only react to the reality they’re presented with. How one reacts is up to them, and forgiveness is really an individual call. Like you, though, I value peace of mind. I love living a rational, level-headed life.
Thanks for sharing that!
Best regards.
Very powerful story, and reading through the comments here, I realize that not only did you give yourself an opportunity to express how you feel, but some of your readers did the same, with their own lives, which I think is very therapeutic. There is nothing worse than carrying strong feelings about others, especially family, that you feel powerless to understand or overcome, and as much as you try to forgive, you cannot forget. Everyone seems to have got on with their life, but as much as you all try to put it out of your mind, it is still there, so everyone is dealing with the pain individually. As much as you have found a new life, as far as possible away from your old life, and done well for yourself, I’m pretty sure there is a part of you that wishes things could be normal, otherwise you wouldn’t have kept these feelings in, which is totally understandable. I’m sure you wish your eldest sister had spoken up sooner and got child services & the police involved, not only for her sake, but most predators don’t stop at one victim. We also wish your adoptive mother would have been more aware of her husbands actions, but do we know if she was abused herself in some way by him, that no one is aware of? I can’t help but think of the drugs, horrible parenting and turmoil, you and your sisters grew up around at such a young age, and thankfully, you found the inner strength to overcome, but from the sounds of it, your younger sisters still face to some degree. I especially feel terrible for your eldest sister, who lost not only her biological and adoptive parents, the same as you all did, but her innocence as well, to a man she trusted, and has no male figure in her family she can turn to for emotional support. I hope and pray that somehow you and her eldest sister connect again, if not all of your family, at some point and hopefully realize you do have some kind of a bond, and that most of the destruction in your family was caused not by each other, but by the adults who were supposed to protect you all. God bless.
Brian,
Thanks for your thoughts. Really appreciate that!
Yeah, I obviously wish it wouldn’t have been like this. I wish I would have had a wonderful family. I never, ever would have thought something like this was going on. It’s hard to convey the shock I experienced when I found out. But I can only rationally react to the reality I’m presented with. Hypothetical situations (like a family that was better than the one I had) don’t really have any actionable value for me.
I don’t wish any of my sisters ill will, but I also don’t feel any kind of longing for them or anything like that. I’ve moved on and have been fortunate enough to see my hard work result in dreams coming true. I’ve realized a bit of a fantasy life for myself. I’m very happy. And I hope they’re all happy, too. But we’re in different worlds. Even if my two youngest sisters wouldn’t have done what they did back in 2014, I don’t think I could have a relationship with them based on the fact that they’ve decided to be OK with my aunt because of financial considerations. Relationships are built upon respect. And I can’t respect that. I wish them very well, but I have zero desire to ever see or talk to them again. I’m at peace. 🙂
Cheers!
Woah.. I’ve been following your journey since 2013… i was worried about you back in the days when you wrote that article about resentment after you came back from seing your family. That’s some heavy stuff you had to deal with 🙁
I know you don’t want kids but I think you would have made a wonderful dad. Built a family of your own the right way and break that cycle of self destruction and destruction of others that happened in your family. Your story reminds me somewhat of the story of my dad’s family and many stories of people arround me.
One needs courage for sharring these stories, digesting that kind of events and still thrive and courrage you have for sure Jason.
I feel sad for you for what you had to go through. I don’t have a perfect family myself and since I have my own kids I also get to know them more for who they really are which is often disappointing. We build perception of people when we are young often only to realize later that they were not shining as we thought they were.
Anyways.. this is a terrible story. 🙁
Allan,
Hey, nothing to worry about. It’s all good for me. I’m living a wonderful life. And I think, in many ways, I’m so appreciative of all that I have in large part because of the struggles I went through. Sure, it would have been nice to have a less dysfunctional and abusive family, but I’ve always just seen challenges as obstacles to overcome. I’m stronger because of all that happened.
I agree with you in the sense that we have this perception of people. Finding out that the truth doesn’t line up with the myth is a painful reality to deal with. Some people choose to ignore that and continue to believe in a lie. That’s because it’s easier to do that. But I’ve never been that way. I like to hear the unvarnished truth about something, which gives me an opportunity to make an educated, rational, and fully-informed decision. I suppose some people could look at my inability to forgive certain transgressions as a fault, and that’s OK by me. I have faults. However, I don’t see it that way. I just see forgiveness as an individual call. And I could never forgive this stuff.
I moved on a long time ago. But it’s one thing to process something and move on from it, and quite another to relive it and write about it for the world to see. But I think it says just how far removed from it I am that I was able to put all of this out there. I couldn’t have written this article three or four years ago.
I’m sorry to hear about your own familial troubles over there. This appears to be a rather common issue for people. Families are made up of people. And people, unfortunately, often make poor choices and hurt others.
Thanks for taking the time to read!
Best regards.
Jason:
Wow. I’ve enjoyed following your story…as far back as Matt Lauer et al interviewing you on NBC.
I submitted your name for the ChooseFI podcast and it sounds like they’ll be interviewing you soon…looking forward to that.
The uncle sounds like he is in dire need of a “single car accident”. Unspeakable stuff…
Continue your triumphant march through life…it’s encouraging to us all.
Jon,
Thanks for your support and readership over the years. That’s really appreciated. All of my writing would be for naught if it weren’t for you readers. 🙂
Yeah, ChooseFI contacted me a little while back. I’m excited to jump on the show and have a fun discussion about all of this stuff. I think we record on March 1. Looking forward to it!
I’m incredibly fortunate, even with all that’s happened. I do my best to take advantage of and be grateful for every single day. I’d be so disappointed in myself if I let my background hold me back. Having a victim mentality is such a huge mistake.
Thanks again!
Best wishes.
Hi Jason,
What a powerful story. I cried most of the way through it. While you have made your peace with your decisions perhaps your older sister is still trying to find a way to keep some of the family together. As the oldest sister myself my heart goes out to her.
Your writing gets stronger and more real every year. Thank you for sharing. The number and length of the comments indicate how important this is.
B
Barb,
Thank you. Appreciate the support very much. 🙂
You’re absolutely right. This resonates with people because a lot of us have these issues. We’d all prefer to have that kind of “dream” family. Unfortunately, it’s often not the reality we’re presented with. Families are made up of imperfect human beings. Those imperfections are sometimes too much, or horrendous and unforgivable in nature. I wish it weren’t like this.
I knew I’d be one day ready to share this story and give it the respect it deserves. That feeling finally came to pass just very recently. I’m glad it’s now out there and fully behind me. Although I made my peace with it and moved on privately a long time ago, it’s good to have this out there so that everyone can share in it and gain some perspective and value from it.
Best regards!
This article is your best writing to date…
Rod,
Thanks. It’s unfortunate that designation is due to such a personal tragedy, but I always try to make lemonade out of lemons.
Cheers.
This is very inspiring! You’ve shared parts of your story in the past but you really put it out there in this post, so courageous of you. I’ve had my share of “rain” in my life and but keep forgetting to enjoy the rainbow when it comes. This helps me to keep perspective, thanks!
Tony,
I’m happy to share. If I can help a few people out there, it makes writing and sharing more than worth it for me.
I find that there’s always a bright side. Make sure to enjoy that rainbow, when it comes. 🙂
Cheers.
I haven’t spoken to my parents or older brother in several years, and I don’t plan to ever again. It’s for the best. I feel very lucky that I didn’t have sexual abuse to deal with, but I get the sadness of not being able to have a loving family of origin, and I know how our culture tries to silence those of us who *don’t* have that.
(…as is evidenced by some of the pushback you’ve gotten in the comments here on your decision to go no-contact, which is a choice no one EVER makes lightly or without deeply grieving its necessity. For all the well-meaning people out there who don’t really understand what it’s like to need to cut your family out of your life…please try to take a step back when this topic comes up, and listen and empathize, rather than suggesting people reconcile. We’ve given lots of thought to this, I promise! Please trust that whatever decision we’ve made is the right one for us, and respect it. For a lot of people in this situation, second-guessing them like that won’t make them reconsider their choice, but it *will* cause them pain. You don’t need to do that. You don’t *mean* to do that. So please think before you speak.)
Jason, I admire your strength and courage in getting through this, and I hope you find you accumulate some “chosen family” as the years pass. I’ve found that to be a tricky thing – it definitely isn’t as easy as some people make it out to be, at least not for me. There are a couple of people I would have called chosen family in my twenties / early thirties who have since drifted away. I feel now that I can’t REALLY identify someone as that unless they’ve stuck with me for a couple of decades. So far insufficient time has passed for any of my friends to meet that bar. 😉 Someday.
I still have my younger sister, and she completely supports the decisions I made in cutting the others off, although she hasn’t done so herself; no pressure from that quarter. Although her partner has sadly fallen prey to the “but faaaaaamily” ridiculousness our culture espouses, so I try not to spend much time with him. He actually said to me once, “but family are the people who will be there for you when you’re old…” Me, looking at my sister with eyebrows raised: “Why would they start then?” She and I both laughed, because sometimes you have to do that instead of cry.
Even if it hurts, I’d rather acknowledge who people are, and make rational decisions for my life based on that – when people show you who they are, believe them! – than live in a state of denial. It’s so, so much better for my mental well-being in the long run. And I’m pretty happy with my life these days – like you, I feel I’ve made it through the hard parts already, and I’m at peace with the past. It’s all smooth sailing from here on out, right? 😉
Also, Spock FTW!
…I was just thinking there aren’t lurking mysteries in my family tree, but actually, that’s not quite true. From one or two obscure comments over the years, plus the fact that my mother went no-contact with her entire family before I was born (I never met any of them), I strongly suspect there was more abuse going on there than made it down to my generation, and I think some of it was sexual. I definitely give her credit for ensuring that part stopped with her and not passing everything on. But I still don’t want her in my life.
Generational abuse: the gift that keeps on giving…sigh.
(Mad respect to people who really *do* stop it and turn things around when they start their own families.)
Lynne,
Thanks for the thoughts. I appreciate you taking the time to reach out like this. 🙂
Also, I think this sums up my thoughts completely:
“Even if it hurts, I’d rather acknowledge who people are, and make rational decisions for my life based on that – when people show you who they are, believe them! – than live in a state of denial. It’s so, so much better for my mental well-being in the long run. And I’m pretty happy with my life these days – like you, I feel I’ve made it through the hard parts already, and I’m at peace with the past. It’s all smooth sailing from here on out, right?”
I agree with you on our culture being all “but faaaaamily…”. I’m not like that. Being related to someone doesn’t give them some kind of automatic pass from me, especially when it’s something of this magnitude.
But I do think the worst is behind us. Might not be totally smooth sailing from here on out, but I think the waters will be much calmer. And getting through a storm like that strengthens you and helps you appreciate everything to come that much more.
Best wishes!