This is part of an ongoing series where I dissect and discuss the reasoning behind various facets of my lifestyle. Through this, I’m attempting to separate the money aspect from the decision-making process, showing that I live a lifestyle that’s largely divorced from concerns about money whatsoever. Essentially, this is a lifestyle that I’d live regardless of my income/wealth. These facets thus aren’t about the money at all, but rather the result of thoughtful choices based around what I value and what drives my happiness.
Perhaps growing up under extremely difficult circumstances colored my view. This is in regard to both nature and nurture.
Surviving extreme poverty and racism in the 80s in Detroit certainly provided me with some tools that I’ve used to my advantage in terms of putting myself in an excellent position to become financially independent at a very early age. Working at eight years old just to be able to eat teaches you a lot about the value of hard work and the appreciation for the little things.
But studying the nature versus nurture debate has led me to the belief that the split is somewhere around 80/20, in favor of nature.
Indeed, I think a lot of the traits that my drug-addled mother possessed were passed down to me; however, I decided long ago to use the best traits and discard the rest.
Well, interestingly enough, my mom never actually wanted children.
She had some personal issues. And she stated on occasion that she had children only because she was lonely. Of course, that’s, in my view, not a very good reason to have kids.
Nonetheless, I’m glad she had kids anyway, as I wouldn’t be alive otherwise. But the circumstances definitely weren’t auspicious. There was almost no way that my mother was going to succeed at motherhood. And so us children were put in a tough spot right from the start.
We were later adopted by another family member, ushered away from Detroit. And that was a real blessing.
But my mom fought the idea of giving us up until she finally relented.
Her reason for fighting?
She didn’t want to give up the state benefits that four children provided her with.
So I guess, in the end, my lack of a paternal drive isn’t terribly surprising.
I realized I didn’t want to have kids many years ago. Probably as early as the thoughts of actually having kids enters one mind.
I looked inside myself way back then for whatever desire might be there – and there was just… nothing.
There have been occasions over the years where I revisited that place inside me just to see if something developed. But time and again, I found nothing.
And so, much like I turned the natural disadvantages my mom passed down to me (through both nature and nurture) into advantages, I also long ago decided to properly own up to the lack of paternal desire/instinct by doing what my mom never could.
I’m childless by choice.
That’s right. I could easily afford to have children. But I don’t have kids by choice.
I say to each their own when it comes to most life choices. If having children makes someone incredibly happy, I say go for it. Of course, you’ll want to make sure you’re in the right place (physically, mentally, financially, etc.). Otherwise, that’s great. Have kids.
In fact, having children can lead one to the ultimate form of happiness by way of self-transcendence. So child rearing can be an incredible experience that’s mutually beneficial in many ways.
However, I’ve personally decided on philanthropy as my ticket to self-transcendence.
Now, there are a number of studies and resources out there that have estimated the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 years old at about $250,000.
One could argue that’s too little or too much, depending on your individual circumstances.
In my view, it’s probably pretty accurate as an average.
So my decision to not have kids has been a financial boon, regardless of the estimate you want to place on the endeavor.
But I can tell you this: the cost could be $0, yet I would still not have kids.
That’s because I fundamentally believe in not bringing children into this world unless it’s something you’re completely and totally prepared to selflessly devote yourself to. If your heart (let alone wallet) isn’t in the right place, you shouldn’t have kids.
I saw so many kids in terrible circumstances when I was growing up in Detroit. So many people were having kids, even though they clearly should not have been. And it’s just a terrible thing. It’s a drain on society. And it puts the kids in a tough spot they didn’t ask for. Moreover, it leads to an endless cycle that just continues on… generation after generation.
And so I decided to lead by example by shutting down the possibility of any of that in my own life. Just to make sure that path is completely closed, I got a vasectomy a number of years ago.
The nature and nurture that has shaped me has led to a couple of great revelations, though.
First, I’ve decided that a significant chunk of my philanthropic efforts over the course of my lifetime will be devoted to disadvantaged children, especially sick children. My childhood is something I don’t wish on anyone – and I didn’t even have it nearly as rough as millions of children all across the world. So I plan to rectify as much as I can through that avenue.
Second, I always knew that if I had changed my mind on this later down the road, I would simply adopt. Maybe I’d meet a woman with a child or two already. Or maybe my significant other would want children right about the time something inside me sparked. In case any of that happened – and only if my heart were truly in the right place – I would take on that responsibility. I could either take on the father role for someone’s children, or we could adopt a child in the more conventional sense. Being adopted radically changed my life for the better. And that’s something I always knew that I might want to reciprocate somehow, in case I did want children down the road.
Although my significant other, Claudia, has a son that lives with us, she has always preferred to make all of the decisions regarding her son alone. Her interest in my input is pretty much zero. Seeing as how my heart is honestly still not in the right place, it’s an arrangement that has worked out pretty well for both of us.
I’ve been asked many times over the years whether or not I had ever planned on being children. It appeared to be this “gotcha moment” that a lot of people seemed to think they were holding over my head. As if I could only live this lifestyle if I didn’t have children, and so all of it was some huge sacrifice.
Well, that’s actually not the case at all. Regardless of the cost, I’m childless by choice. In fact, that choice was made long before the idea of early retirement ever entered my mind.
Again, I say to each their own. If you want children, and if you’re in the right position to have children, I say go for it. Our civilization couldn’t continue without procreation.
So I’m actually incredibly grateful to all of those people out there having children and raising them correctly. It’s just not a passion I share.
The pursuit of happiness is something I take very seriously, and the lifestyle I now enjoy has been customized and crafted for and by me. It’s wonderful. But not having children is by design. Not having kids is actually part of the pursuit of happiness for me. The fact that this decision is probably going to save me a ton of money is totally irrelevant, as I’m likely just going to give away any money saved by way of philanthropy anyway.
I’m having this dialogue with you readers in order to point out that the lifestyle one creates in order to become financially free at a young age doesn’t have to and shouldn’t lead to a decline in one’s happiness.
Not only does spending more money not automatically lead to more happiness, but spending less money can actually lead to more happiness.
It’s counterintuitive – which makes it that much more amazing. For some reason, people largely believe that money and happiness operate under a constant 1:1 ratio where the increase or decrease of the former always leads to the equivalent change in the latter. But it’s just not true.
And that’s not just due to the permanent shift in one’s internal “happiness thermostat” that one attains after becoming financially free, but it’s also due to the realization that the creation of a more robust lifestyle that concentrates on life and experiences more than stuff and money alleviates oneself of a silly and undue burden. This can actually improve the world around you, which simply compounds the benefits.
Finally, being in a position to make lifestyle decisions not based on money but rather the pursuit of happiness is, in my view, a wonderful way to approach life. I’ve found that I think not about money when I make decisions but instead about whether or not something makes me happy. And it just so happens that what makes me happy doesn’t cost very much money. It’s an incredibly virtuous cycle that’s part of an overarching holistic lifestyle that feeds into itself. Once you open your eyes to it, it’s almost like you can’t help but succeed, become financially free, and live life on your terms.
What about you? Plan on having children? Already have children? Why or why not?
Thanks for reading.
Image courtesy of: sattva at FreeDigitalPhotos.net.
Jason,
I had a rough child hood as well. Mine pales in comparison yours.
As far as having children, I decided I did want to have children as I saw how cruel kids can be towards others and I experienced this first hand. I think it has gotten worse now, as the bullying can go online through various platforms and the bullying can even happen in class.
I find people look down on people because they do not have or want children. I experienced this myself many times. Hell, I have even been asked in multiple job interviews if I have children.
IP,
That’s an interesting reason for not having children. Never thought about it that way, though I did experience plenty of bullying when I was a kid. I was the ONLY (not exaggerating) white male in my elementary school in Detroit. The kids were brutal. I don’t mean just teasing, either. I mean, they were threatening to kill me. It was crazy. So I get what you’re saying there.
“I find people look down on people because they do not have or want children.”
Misery loves company? 🙂
Cheers!
Being honest with yourself and making a responsible decision is something you will always be content with. It allows you to move forward and be who you want to be.
Ken,
Thanks so much. Appreciate that. And I couldn’t agree more. I’m very, very content. 🙂
Cheers!
I think the attachment with children once they are born is a powerful trick of the mind. My wife and I had a child after being married for 6 years and up until a year before she got pregnant we didn’t think much about being parents and we were quite happy to stay childless. Once we thought about the possibility of having a child and stopped using protection then we started to look for a pregnancy. After our daughter was born we have a proper mindset of looking after her well. Now it’s very hard mentally to get back into the state of feeling like we were when we were childless and to get there would imply a great loss of sorts. So I can see how powerful this mental trick is. It’s mental and also wired into our brains to not abandon a child and thus ensuring the survival of our species.
Unfortunately this conditioning can lead to many judging and lambasting those who choose to be childless. I don’t think that’s fair and personally don’t judge others on their choices.
Mike,
Yeah, I can definitely see that. And I can see how that’s probably a large part of nature/instinct in general, as the survival of our species is something innate and extremely important to most of us. That’s really why I’m so grateful for others that have children (those that are prepared for it and good at it, anyway). If everyone were like me, our species would be in real trouble!! 🙂
Thanks for stopping by.
Best wishes.
I also have chosen to not have children. Apparently everyone else around me knows better and I’ll change my mind when I meet the right person or when I’m around babies. I find the first incredibly offensive as I’m engaged to the person I’ve been with for 14 years and still no desire and the second, my nephew was born 5 months ago and although I love the kid to death he hasn’t sparked any sort of maternal need in me. I’m also 30 so people still tell me I have time to change my mind but I’ve thought this way since I was 12 so I doubt it’ll happen.
My childhood was pretty good though. We did live in a lower socio-economic area growing up and had a number of struggles but my sister and I never went without the basics and were provided with all the love and care a child should have so people are usually a bit baffled by me not wanting children.
I’ve always leaned more towards the idea of fostering or adopting and it’s probably something my fiance and I will look into in the next 5 years.
valentinabrenni,
Thanks for sharing!
I can imagine the peanut gallery becomes annoying over time. I’m kind of built a certain way that really just allows me to emotionally disconnect from other people’s opinions. For some reason, what others think about me and my lifestyle decisions just doesn’t bother me at all. If someone is forceful about their opinions and trying to constantly hold me back or change me, they usually just find a way out of my life. But I can definitely see how it can be irritating to make that incredibly personal decision after great thought and hear disconcerting feedback from others close to you. That’s a bummer. All you can do is do what’s right for you. The last thing you’d ever want to do is have a child if your heart isn’t fully in it. That’s just the way I think about it. But if you do change your mind, I think adoption is a wonderful way to approach it. Being adopted changed my life. And there are so many disadvantaged children out there waiting for a lifeline.
Best regards!
I’m with you. Not because I had a rough childhood (I didn’t have a silver spoon but I never missed a meal either). I have Tourette’s syndrome and I’d probably pass it on. Plus, I think I may be a little bit selfish as well. Better to own up to it than shortchange someone helpless.
FV,
“Plus, I think I may be a little bit selfish as well. Better to own up to it than shortchange someone helpless.”
Couldn’t agree more. It’s a real shame that more people don’t own up to it. I saw firsthand so many kids that were helplessly and unfortunately inserted into bad situations, myself included. Just a lot of crappy people out there, but I hope, on balance, all the wonderful parents out there make up for it. I think it does, seeing as how our species continues to advance in amazing ways. But I’m with you all the way. I’m also probably a bit selfish in some ways, and I’m just upfront and honest about it. I’m okay owning up to my shortcomings while making the most of what I excel at.
Cheers!
Thank you for this! Being childless by choice always seems to come with judgement from others. You said it best , “If your heart (let alone wallet) isn’t in the right place, you shouldn’t have kids.”
KS,
Appreciate the support. And don’t pay any mind to any silly judgement you might receive. 🙂
Best regards.
Thank you for writing this article Jason:) As a mid-30 something this is a hot topic. I am less decisive than yourself and really wish I could commit to a decision either way! I have generalized anxiety disorder and also love freedom, raising a child with those traits, isn’t exactly the best environment.
That said, as of late I have been contending with a lot of thinking around “the meaning of life.” I have so many friends who state that until they had children, they never knew a truer love or a deeper meaning in life…I suppose I have “fear of missing out,” when I hear quotes such as those. Yet, in my hear I really believe it is up to each and every one of us to create deeper meaning in our lives. This creative path may be the one less often taken, but it can be immeasurably fulfilling when done in deep intention, like you have demonstrated.
Nicki,
Hey, I’m happy to put it together. I always kept our conversation in mind, so it’s a topic I wanted to address at some point. I especially wanted to point out that it’s not really about money at all for me. So many people have attempted to use child rearing as some kind of “gotcha”. But the joke’s on them.
I totally hear you on a deeper meaning of life. That’s what I talked about in the article. And it’s something I addressed in the last article. In my view, that’s self-transcendence. It’s finding a purpose higher than oneself. That can be accomplished in many ways, though, which is something I think parents forget about. Child rearing can be an amazing experience. But it’s not the only path to enlightenment. Like you said, we each have to find our own path/meaning. 🙂
Best regards!
Great post! There are so many people that should not have children. Not only is it not appropriate for them but they cant afford it. It goes both ways. But in the end, too many just arent good parents.
Paul,
Yeah, my own parents are a great example of who shouldn’t have kids. So I know what you mean. I saw plenty of this stuff growing up in Detroit. It’s a shame.
If you’re going to have kids, you should really be ready in all aspects of your life, financial and otherwise. Although I could easily afford to have a child, I just genuinely prefer a childless life. I say to each their own, though. If you’re fully prepared to give yourself selflessly to your children, I say go for it. Just make sure your heart is in the right place.
Cheers!
Very interesting post, Jason. I have two kids, and they are the best thing that has ever happened to me, by an order of magnitude. But, being a parent is incredibly hard in terms of energy and time and commitment. Even if you’re all-in, it’s not that fun at 3am some nights 😉 Everyone who has kids knows this, so I don’t get why they would pressure someone who isn’t interested, for whatever reason.
Tad,
Hey, I’m truly grateful for your efforts. The advancement of our species would be doomed if everyone were like me. 🙂
But I definitely agree with what you’re saying. Even if you’re an all-star parent, it’s a very challenging endeavor. My best friend, who’s a proud and great dad, was just talking to me about this the other day. He loves being a dad, but he was telling me how he didn’t think it’d be so tough. Definitely isn’t for everyone.
Thanks for dropping by!
Cheers.
I too looked hard for a desire to have children and never found any. I never made the decision to not have children, but I never ever felt inclined to make the other decision. I just decided that if a child came along, whatever way, I would be a suitable adult to that child (unlike my parents who in their mid 80s still don’t know how to parent or even to be adults).
So I am a supportive and involved adult to all children in my life, and so far none has needed me more permanently.
Onevikinggirl,
I like your approach. Reminds me a lot of myself. Very reasonable and pragmatic. 🙂
Thanks for stopping by and sharing!
Best wishes.
As a 42-year old father of a two and a seven-year old, I can confirm that the cost of raising children is intense, especially if you have to pay for child care in their early years. I estimate that between the two of them, I will pay on average, $1,100 per month for their care for ten years, until the youngest enters Kindergarten. For sake of comparison, if that money were invested in equities at a 3% annual dividend yield, that would total over $155k (not even considering capital gains from appreciation of the stocks or increases in payouts). As a result, I’m stuck here, wishing I could invest more, but simply unable to.
If anyone wants both children and financial independence, you’ve really got to have a fantastic start on the latter before kids enter the picture. How angry I am that I wasted so much time and money in my younger years, because now it’s really an uphill struggle. I am counting the months until I don’t have to pay child care anymore. It is almost as much as my house payment.
Matt,
Wow. That is definitely intense. That’s more than I pay for rent.
I totally agree with you vis-à-vis having a jump start on FI before having kids, if possible. Of course, very few people think about becoming financially independent in the first place. I mean, we’re talking about a fairly narrow niche here. It might seem normal to those of us living and breathing it, then reading about it all over the Internet. But I’ve never met anyone who has any interest in it in real life. So there’s that. Then you have to factor in all of those wanting kids and setting aside money for that. It’s pretty tough to get that jump start, especially considering that many people want or end up having children at a fairly young age. I would bet most don’t want to wait until they’re in their early 30s.
But it sounds like you’re making the most of it. And I’m sure your saving and investing will be supercharged once you’ve cleared that hurdle. 🙂
Cheers!
i think you’ve really made a great decision based on your personal reflections on your own situation. Too many people don’t self reflect and make the right decision for themselves or don’t think things through before doing things.
DD,
I definitely thought on it a lot. I’ve met too many people who had kids just as kind of a natural response, almost like there was no other option. And then their kids suffer for that. If your heart is totally in it, though, I’m sure it’s an amazing experience. 🙂
Thanks for dropping by.
Best regards.
A lot of valid points for not wanting to have kids. My wife and I grew up family oriented so it just feels normal to have a family. I love my son and don’t know what I would do without him. I was 19 when my wife (she was 20) and I had our first child. Obviously not really trying to have one but it just happened. One of the best things to ever happen to us. We grew up so quickly over these past 3 years and it’s one of the biggest if not the main reason why I chose to look for financial independence. I couldn’t imagine still living the way I was not concerned about money and myself. My child was my wake up call and I don’t know if I ever would’ve started this journey of investing without my son. Probably would have happened later in my life but it would be late start nonetheless.
Evan,
I can only say that I’m grateful for people like you and your wife. If everyone were like me, our species would cease to exist pretty quickly. Can’t have all men going around getting vasectomies and refusing to have children. 🙂
But it sounds like you’re happy with the way things turned out. That’s awesome. I think if you’re really meant to be a parent, and you’re totally committed to the lifestyle, it can be a great way to access self-transcendence. I mean, raising a child means life is a lot less about you and a lot more about your child. It’s really all in line with finding something beyond/above oneself, which should allow one to find the ultimate form of happiness in life. Unfortunately, a lot of people (like my mom) have kids for the wrong reason(s), in hopes that it’ll make them happier, only to find out they’re not right for the job. Fortunately, you’re not one of those people.
Thanks for sharing that!
Cheers.
Jason,
Great read! I’ve actually wondered myself if I ever want kids. I’m in my early 30s now, and everyone of my high school friends seems to be popping out kids left and right. I just went to a baby shower (coed), and stopped by a friend’s house last week to see their newborn. I never seem to get that excited about kids in general, and always thought I was the weird one. I sent my mom a picture of me holding the baby, and she quickly wrote “I wish you would have one soon, so I have some grandkids!”. I feel a lot of millennials these days, just sort of go with the norm, and have a kid as the next progression after they get married. I rarely feel like they actually think about in great lengths, other than when they are actually going to have the kid.
My friend’s sister just got married, and she took the stance of never having kids. I certainly do think there’s negativity and judgement passed to her, within our circle of friends. I deeply respect the decision, just like you, for any reason there is.
Lastly, I’ve even heard someone questioning in the last few weeks on social media if they should have a kid, due to the status or country is in. They were wondering if it was fair to bring the kid into a world of problems. I’m sure you could have thought this way during any time period though, and we all made it through any problems that were occurring, especially you making it through those incredibly tough times of bullying. I’m sure they were even worse than they are now, especially with all of the people aware that bullying is actually happening.
Keep up the amazing posts, always an enjoyable read.
– Ahnold!
Ahnold,
Thanks for stopping by. Glad you enjoyed the article!
Yeah, I know what you mean by going with the norm. It’s kind of like following a script for life. I think it’s related to why we see so few people reach for/achieve financial independence, even though there’s so much abundance around us. It’s just not the script. Fortunately, I’m really good at writing my own script and blazing my own trail.
If your heart isn’t really in it (and it sounds like it’s not), then it’s probably just not a natural life progression for you. And there’s nothing wrong with that. If that changes, then it changes. But I’d follow my heart. 🙂
Best regards!
It makes me sad to hear the people who clearly intelligent talk about not having kids. Its like the movie idiocracy where the people who are stupid have many kids and live off welfare and the smart people hem and how about it until its too late.
Not saying you should have kids but I wish we had more intelligent people contributing to the gene pool. In fact in the past 30 years intelligence has decreased by about four points.
reidar,
Well, I’m not sure about intelligence levels, but I do find it sad that our global population growth skews heavily toward developing countries and away from developed countries. There are more and more people being born precisely where they shouldn’t be. Meanwhile, countries like the US, with room for increased density, is slowing way down in terms of birth rates. So it’s just a disadvantageous situation when we think about the overall quality of life for the average human being.
Thanks for adding that!
Cheers.
I also am childfree by choice and knew at a very young age that I didn’t want to be a mother. It’s harder on women – not to diminish your circumstances at all – but we’re the ones with the womb, the “innate” mothering instinct, and the ticking maternal clock. When a woman says she doesn’t want kids, there is this cultural attitude that there is just something wrong with her.
I had an ok childhood, but I was an only child and that comes with a lot of differences when compared to people who have siblings. I wasn’t around kids a lot. I didn’t have a baby brother or sister come home when I was 2 or 3. I was raised to be a very independent female. Very. Too much sometimes for relationships to work on a healthy level, but something I recognize and try to mitigate. My parents also left me up to my own devices a lot, which can have it’s benefits but it added to the whole “independent” thing quite a lot. I think my independence has a lot to do with my choice to be childfree.
It amazes me, though, how much other people can obsess about what childfree women do or don’t do with their girl parts! It’s not for everyone! It shouldn’t be – I agree with you here Jason – an automatic thing *everyone* does when they become an adult! I know a few people who are (yes this is judgemental, but you don’t know the stories) really failing their children. Some medically, some with education, some with discipline, and some of these are, I think, going to be huge issues when the kids become adults.
My now-ex-husband banked that I would change my mind as I got older, but we just divorced last year, I’m 42 now, and nope, didn’t change my mind. I never felt that tug the few times I held a baby or saw someone with a child. I’ve never heard my clock ticking, it must be broken, and I’m fine with that.
Jody,
Thanks for sharing!
Definitely nothing “wrong” with you. I think the judgement one sometimes experiences when they don’t want children is similar to the judgement they sometimes experience when they do anything out of the ordinary. Living frugally and being in a position to retire decades before others is very analogous in terms of being different and people sometimes judging. The best way to handle this, in my view, is to pay no mind to this stuff. And it sounds like you’re pretty good at that.
It’s great that you’ve thought about it and owned up to what’s right for you. I really don’t get the groupthink in society where there are scripts to follow and “right and wrong” ways to go about things, as if we’re all part of one collective hivemind or something. But that’s why you see all these studies come out showing that a significant portion of society is unhappy. You can’t be happy if you’re not being true to yourself.
I do agree with you that women are probably judged harsher for choosing to be childfree. The good thing, though, is that society’s opinions are worth zero. So you’re not losing out on anything.
Best wishes!
As a father of 3 kids (4, 10, 12) (yes the 4 was unplanned), I wouldn’t trade my kids in for anything. My wife and I always knew we would have children. But, if I could go back in time I would still have kids. Although the one thing that I would do differently, would be to not do some of the dumb, bone-headed money decisions that younger me made before they were born. I know for a fact that our net worth would easily be $200k higher if it weren’t for some of the stupid money mistakes that we made in our younger years (early 20’s, I’m 40 now). Things like investing in real estate that ended up costing me more than what I put in, not using cash on hand to pay down student loan debt early, spending more instead of saving it, not investing during the 2008 market crash – normal stuff that young/dumb people do. We have always and continue to save and invest, and the future looks good, but I would love to go back to past-me and re-learn a few things. At least knowing what I know now, my kids are learning from my mistakes. I am purposefully teaching them about what stocks are, dividends, saving, compounding, wants/needs, etc. Not everyone is made to have kids, and I applaud you for approaching this subject.
David,
Well, we all have those experiences. I made some huge financial mistakes in my early 20s. If I wouldn’t have done certain things, I would have been able to retire by, probably, 30. Not a huge deal in the grand scheme of things, but time is really valuable. You never want to waste it, which you do when you waste money.
However, you’re in a great spot to pass along those lessons to your kids. Nobody ever took the time to talk money with me. I had to learn everything by myself. But being open and honest with your kids, they’re going to have that advantage once they start making their own financial choices. That puts them ahead, even knowing that they, too, will make their own financial mistakes. Mistakes are just part of the fun, but it’d sure be nice to minimize the impacts. 🙂
Thanks for dropping by!
Cheers.
Hello Jason!
First of all, let me congratulate on your site. I lost track after DM site changed, so via seeking alpha I found this and I am happy to see the result here!!
Well, children … In NEW SCIENTIST I read an article, where scientifically the question DO MAKE CHILDREN PEOPLE HAPPY was discussed. So scientists asked parents and people with no children about their respective state of mind. To cut the result short: there was no significant difference between those groups, so children do not make people happier.
There was one group that showed significant increase of personal happines: grandparents. Researcher suggested that that was the case, because grandparents feel younger and they take the grandchildren for a limited time only.
source (with pay barrier … 🙁
https://www.newscientist.com/article/mg22730372-300-does-parenthood-really-make-us-happier/
by the way: We also do not have children.
Best wishes
Thorsten,
Thanks for dropping by. Glad you found the site!
Yeah, I think the happiness factor really depends on personal circumstances. I mean, if you have personal issues, having children isn’t going to fix that. Children are probably going to just exacerbate what’s already wrong. If you’re broke, having kids is probably just going to make you more broke. As I mentioned in the article, you should only have children if you’re completely prepared. If you’re fully ready and your heart is in the right place, I can’t imagine you won’t experience self-transcendence. The issue, though, is that not enough people are actually thoughtful about it beforehand, which leads to a lot of issues with bad parenting, global overpopulation, etc.
Cheers!
My wife and I struggled with fertility problems for years and had to deal with the “when are you having kids?” question from that angle. It was during that time that I got into the idea of financial independence and started planning early retirement as a way to plan for a great future without kids. Well with treatment and good fortune we were blessed to eventually have a daughter and then another. My focus has since shifted away from retiring early and more to just providing the best I can for my kids. It’s involved a bigger house in a good school district, a minivan and lots of family vacations, all of which push financial independence back little by little. I like spoiling them, I can’t help it. We’ve gone from looking at retirement in our early 40’s to planning for mid 50’s when our kids will be starting college (which we are also saving heavily for). The good thing is I actually enjoy work more now. I have good hours and lots of family time. I still follow you and some other early retirees, it’s fun to sort of live vicariously through your journey. And while retiring at 55 may seem late to folks in this community, by “real world” standards it’s still a really early age to retire. What you’re doing is extraordinary and I’ve enjoyed these articles about happiness and the different aspects of your lifestyle.
onecvj,
Thanks so much. Glad you’re enjoying the new perspective. 🙂
Retiring by 55 is still great. I mean, I think it’s easy to get caught up in the blogosphere where you have these people (like myself) retiring in their 30s. But that’s on the extreme end of things. Being able to get there by 55 is still really, really great, all considered. And if you’ve found a higher purpose (beyond yourself and your own early retirement plans), that’s really where it’s at. This whole lifestyle should be about being happier and improving your quality of life. If you’re able to do that through parenthood, more power to you. You’re just supplanting one lifestyle with another, and both have their benefits and drawbacks, respectively.
Best regards.
But Jason, don’t you know that CHILDREN are the most wonderful thing in the world? Forget everything else you’ve ever dreamed of; your heart will automatically MELT once you look into their tiny eyes! EVERYONE ELSE has children! Why don’t you want to make a child the very center of your whole world!? You’re missing out on true happiness!
Jason, it’s time to grow up, be an adult, and have LOTS OF CHILDREN! Because nothing on this planet is greater than the laughter of a child. If you DON’T have children, it means you’ll be unhappy forever and that you’re a soulless robot that hates children and does not understand human emotion.
This disgusting, child-hating robot is just proof that Jason is actually an android who lacks human emotion and wants to steal all the world’s joy! We need some children to stop his nefarious scheme with the power of love, friendship, and imagination! Even Robo-Jason can’t withstand the power of children!
Sincerely,
ARB–Angry Retail Banker
ARB,
System overloaded. Must reboot.
Cheers.
I don’t plan on having children for a long time. I like the idea of having three children but currently I’m not prepared for it at all. Their are plenty of things I would like to do before hand like pay off my mortgage and amass a decent amount of wealth. A good age for me for be in about 5 more years I’d say. Plenty of children are brought up in bad situations which typically makes poor adults. I would like to have my children be the change I wish to see in the world.
DD,
Sounds like you’re being thoughtful about it, which is great. Whether or not you want to have children, it should be a decision based on thoughtful reflection. And, of course, you should be completely ready for it (financial and otherwise).
Best of luck with the five-year plan! 🙂
Cheers.
As is always the case with JF , this post is very well thought out and articulated. And it’s a topic with great relevancy to me. I became a first time father at 40…and not purposefully I might add. Up until that point I had a lot of the same thoughts and feelings mentioned above…and still do to a great extent. Now at the age of 45…I’ve settled in a bit…but it sure hasn’t been easy. I will fight every day to make my daughter’s life is a meaningful one. My FIRE approach has actually become more focused as I want to be able to be available to her no matter what. I also hope to be able to leave her a financial legacy so that she isn’t haunted by money worries as I’ve been. The trick remains to teach her the value of money and relationships vs just “stuff”. Bravo, Jason…You continue to crank out content for a man wise well beyond your years.
Jon,
Really appreciate that. Thanks so much for the kind words. I take a lot of pride in my writing, and I’m always interested in discussing complex but important issues that relate to life beyond money. However, a lot of this content isn’t your usual PF stuff, and it takes a lot out of me, so I’m not sure how long I can keep it up. Really proud to have the legacy there, though.
I can definitely see how financial independence takes on a different (but bigger) meaning for you now. That’s a sense of a higher purpose. You want to live for something beyond just yourself. If you’re able to transcend your own happiness, you’ll find that you can be an even more effective (and happy) cog in humanity’s machine. For me, that’s what financial independence is all about – freeing me to develop beyond myself (because my time isn’t sucked up by tasks that don’t add value to my life). And I think child rearing is really similar in that regard. Philanthropy is another example. To become the best version of yourself, you must look beyond yourself.
Best wishes!
I’m in a similar boat as you; I’ve known since I was about 16 years old that I didn’t want kids. I haven’t experienced this as something someone holds over my head. However, I have experienced people tell me “that’ll change as you get older”. After hearing that for over 16 years, I’m confident it won’t change, but that doesn’t stop them from still saying it.
Oh well, everyone is entitled to their opinion. Stay strong and do your own thing!
Expat AJ,
Right. I know exactly what you mean there.
Perhaps some people do start out not wanting kids, but then they change their minds as they get older. I’m sure some people are in that camp. However, I can say that my resolve has only become stronger over time. I’ve never been more confident in (or grateful for) my decision to live a child-free life than I am right now.
But everyone is entitled to their opinion. And everyone is entitled to a life that makes them happy. For some, that involves children. That’s simply just not the case for me (or you, obviously), though.
Thanks for sharing!
Best wishes.